


Falling For Angels

by JenCollins, WordsAblaze



Series: Crazy Collabs [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Hurt Dan Howell, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Sad Dan Howell, So much angst, Suicide, Then more angst, fleeting fluff in the middle, what's a happy ending?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-06-09 20:14:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15275334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenCollins/pseuds/JenCollins, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WordsAblaze/pseuds/WordsAblaze
Summary: Phil has always been an angel for Dan, helping him in the worst of times. But angels can become dark too, so when his does, Dan has to take the fall. Enjoy?





	Falling For Angels

**Author's Note:**

> We changed our routine and wrote angst.
> 
> Please don't read if it might trigger you, this isn't happy.

 

At first it had just been hard to get out of the bed in the morning, nothing too special. Later, it got harder to do simple home tasks like cooking, cleaning. 

Dan’s mind had gotten louder, it was hard to hear anything else from time to time. Still, he tried to be normal, to carry on living as if nothing was wrong. He tried to ignore it.

When it got even worse, forcing Dan to stop eating and sleep in the dark all day, they knew that it was serious.

There was no explanation, there almost never is one. It just happens. You get worse.

Phil always took care of Dan, helping him in any way possible.

Phil was his everything, Dan had fallen for him and he didn’t want to get back up because he loved it, he loved Phil.

It had been almost half a year since Dan had gotten worse. He tried, he really did. But for some reason, no matter how hard he tried or how hard he faked getting better, he never actually did. He only got worse. Days mixed together with nights.

Now, yet again, it was three in the morning and Dan was sitting on the bathroom floor, crying. His skin was a greyish blue colour, his bones sticking out a bit because it was hard to eat anything at all.

Everything was too loud. 

It all was crashing down.

He wanted to scream but something held his throat shut so no sound came out.

He was shaking so hard that he couldn’t even put his hands around himself, couldn’t kid himself into thinking he could be comforted, could be put back together.

The lights were off because he just couldn’t stand them shining at him, shaming him for letting it all become like this, for letting himself be a coward and not good enough.

It was hard to breathe, he cried a bit, stopped, and then started again, he just couldn’t control it. It just happened, it all came out, washing over him.

And his mind, it was so messy and loud. It was like a million wasps had been put into a small bowl and then shaken terribly, making them angry, making them try to find the exit.

Something clicked, Dan looked up, the bath was right next to him. He could drown them out.

But right when Dan was about to get up, Phil entered the bathroom.

His presence itself helped, reminding Dan that he wasn’t alone, that wasps weren’t the only thing his mind could think about. 

So he chose to think about Phil. He chose to think about all the times they’d spent together, all the games they’d played with smiles on their faces, all the times they’d helped each other to live.

Then he focused on Phil’s expression, a mixture of a frown and a smile.

It made him guilty to think that Phil was worried because of him, because he was weak and a burden, but the small curve of his lips and the sympathy in his eyes was a sign that Phil didn’t think any less of him, that he could still be himself.

The darkness in his mind didn’t go away completely, it never did, but, when Phil knelt down beside him, it mixed with the light and he could think a little more clearly. When Phil put a hand on his shoulder, he flinched, but it helped, calmed the buzzing inside his head until he could breathe, breathe deeply enough to stop wishing he could drown out the world. 

Phil was safe, Phil was comfortable, Phil was silence, but not the kind that pushed you down, the kind that hugged you and stayed with you in case you needed to use it as a shield, the kind that held you when everything became too loud so you didn’t explode, the kind that Dan loved.

Dan slowly leaned against Phil, putting his ear against the beating heart there, simply listening to it made the wasps die down, caused his pain to ease. 

Dan didn’t even notice how he was clutching at Phil, yet again making small bruised marks, all he could hear was Phil’s steady heartbeat that pulled him into long awaited sleep.

It was nice, he thought, to be able to rely on someone as steady, as consistent as Phil. His heart hoped that it could stay that way forever, relying on the one person he so dearly appreciated, the one person who might as well be an angel.

His heart was a fool.

As he found out sometime later...

During the day, Phil left Dan alone, he needed to go visit a friend, for a birthday or something. He didn’t even ask Dan to come and to be honest, Dan didn’t know if he could have gone.

But after a couple of hours, he wished that he had gone with Phil anyway, he missed the warmth and love. Darkness was eating Dan alive.

At first, he ignored it as much as possible but when the worst parts started to hit him, sending him to the ground, making him unable to breathe, he tried to call Phil but there was no answer.

Dan let his phone screen go black, throwing it to the side. Phil always answered. It hurt to know that Phil was so busy with someone else that he’d missed, or worse: ignored, Dan.

A part of him wondered if he was being selfish, if he should give Phil another chance. Only because he was desperate to get rid of the darkness eating at him, he crawled over to his phone and dialled Phil’s number again, and again.

Nothing. 

Dan was hitting his fingers against the phone screen, not looking at what he was trying to do, he just tried to do something. His breath was catching more and more.

After a while, he didn’t feel anything. He woke up after a couple of hours, having passed out from all the pressure.

It was dark outside, the clock saying that it was 3 in the morning.

Dan felt like he was floating, his head full of something heavy and light at the same time, making it hard to focus, to think.

He saw himself unlocking the door and going outside.

Only when he was somewhere in the park, he finally felt like he could breathe. But it was just the silence before the storm.

He took a deep breath - as deep as he could without coughing from the smell that was lingering in the park - before sitting down, right there on the path, not caring about etiquette or anything like that. 

The trees around him were still, calm, but his mind was in chaos, both silent from exhaustion and busy with wondering what he’d done wrong, why he’d been left alone, where Phil had been gone for so long without telling him. 

He wondered if Phil had finally gotten fed up with him, had finally realised he was more trouble than he was worth. He so badly wanted to believe that wasn’t true but nothing was telling him otherwise and optimism was hardly an option anymore. 

He didn’t know what to do.

He felt, heard everything start to crush in around him, so he stood up, running as fast as he could, trying to run away from the storm chasing him.

But there was no point in that because, the longer you run, the harder the storm will hit you.

It hit Dan hard; half the time, he was blacking out, not registering what was happening.

He opened his eyes, feeling new tears dry on his swollen cheeks, to see the sun shining bright, right in his eyes.

As if it was telling him that the storm had passed and that he was alright.

The sun reminded him of an angel, his angel.

Dan got up right away, running to get home.

He didn’t want to make Phil worried.

_ He was probably worried sick by now. _

Somehow, Dan registered that he was barefoot, frowning at himself even as he ran back to his, to their home. 

When he got back, he was out of breath but that was nothing new so he ignored it, pushing on the door to find it unlocked. Strange.

_ Phil must have left it open in case he came back. _

Dan smiled at the thought, now excited to see Phil, to share another one of those unmistakable hugs that always calmed him down, always made him feel more human.

Oddly, Phil wasn’t at the door, or in the lounge, where he usually was. 

It worried Dan a little but he shook his head, figuring that Phil must have gone to bed eventually, it didn’t make sense for him to have waited all night. It was Dan’s fault for staying out so late, for being crazy enough to leave at the weirdest of times, without warning,

All of a sudden, a loud moan made Dan turn around.

_ It wasn’t Phil’s… _

Even after all this time, Dan still knew what every single one of Phil’s moans sounded like.

Dan slowly walked to Phil’s bedroom, feeling his heart beat faster. He almost felt sick, he wanted it to be a dream, a nightmare that he could wake up from.

More moaning came and, this time, some was Phil’s.

Dan felt the fear rush through his body, he started to beg for it not to be true.

He slowly opened the door, freezing right away, his blood rushing cold.

Phil was making out with some other guy, younger, fitter, sexier.

There was an entire minute where Dan just stood there, watching them, watching the way Phil smiled happily, blissfully, in a way he’d never smiled when he was with Dan.

He watched how this other boy looked at Phil like he was some kind of God, like the two of them belonged together. He recognised that look, it was the look he’d worn for most of his life.

And now it was being stolen by someone else.

But Dan couldn’t move to stop it. He was stuck, glued to the floor, his breath frozen as he heard them, watched them move, moan with each other, gasp for each other. 

A sudden scream escaped Dan’s lips. It sounded like he just watched his family be killed, it was full of hurt and pain.

It could make anyone’s blood turn cold just by hearing it.

Dan couldn’t stop it coming out, he didn’t hear it, he just screamed, tears starting to rush over his still-swollen cheeks.

His heart felt empty as the two of them stopped, turned to him. 

Phil’s eyes met his but they weren’t bright and warm like they’d always been, they were cold and hard and sharp and… guilty?

Dan couldn’t breathe, all the bits of air he caught were sent out into an unstoppable scream.

He was crumbling down, his hands clutching at his own skin, as to trying to wake him up from a bad dream.

Realization finally hit Phil, Dan was hurting, in front of them. He felt his insides start to squeeze together, he still loved the broken boy.

Dan shook his head desperately, he wanted this to stop, he could feel his nails digging into his skin but they didn’t wake him up, they just added to the pain.

Phil’s voice broke his internal scream. - Dan... -

Dan didn’t say anything, he knew he’d stopped screaming but now he had nothing to say, he turned and ran, ran back, ran out of their home. 

He heard footsteps chase after him and then Phil, always Phil.

\- Dan, wait, please, I didn’t mean for you to see, I’m sorry… -

Dan stopped, he let Phil wrap his arms around him. He was shaking too hard to stand, broken sobs coming out.

Without meaning to, he clung to Phil, trying to bring back his angel, to delete the hell he’d just seen.

Phil didn’t complain, letting Dan fall against him, letting the two of them sink to the ground. He was saying something but Dan couldn’t hear, he just listened to Phil’s heartbeat, wishing he was okay, wishing both of them were okay. 

It was only after Dan felt tears land on his head that he looked up, looked up to see Phil trying hard not to cry. - Dan, I’m really sorry, I don’t- I don’t know why I- I love you… -

Dan wanted to believe it, he really did. But he’d watched Phil with someone else and now he couldn’t get that out of his head. So he bit his lip and sobbed harder instead.

Then something in his mind clicked, making him stop right away, the pain easing down.

He looked up, slowly getting up.

\- It’s okay, I forgive you. Let’s go home. - Dan murmured, his voice deep, much deeper than normal. - Let’s just go home, it’s okay, Phil. It’s okay. - 

Dan wiped away his own tears, ready to go home.

Phil stared up at him, surprised, lost, looking so different to usual. 

\- Are you- I mean, really? You forgive me? - Phil frowned, as if Dan had said something ridiculous. 

Knowing that, if he answered that, he might change his mind, Dan just nodded, starting to walk back, not really thinking of helping Phil back up, he just wanted to go home, to be safe.

At home, he let Phil hold him, making it seem like everything was really okay and that Dan wasn’t mad or anything.

Only Phil didn’t know that, over these months, Dan had become a great actor and knew how to fake his real feelings, mask them.

Dan let Phil kiss his cheek, being all sweet.

Dan let the last drops of warmth and love seep into his cold bones.

It didn’t change his mind or the thing that’d opened the door in his mind.

He had forgiven Phil for real, he just hadn’t finished the sentence out loud.

Dan waited for night to set, lying down next to Phil in their bed, letting Phil hold him while he fell asleep. It didn’t help Dan but he let it help Phil, let Phil think everything was fine.

But Dan stayed awake.

He had a mission to do.

A mission to set his angel free.

He didn’t want to be the one who cut off the angel’s wings.

Over the last few months, he had learned how to walk without making a sound.

He got everything he needed, climbing onto the roof.

He was lucky that they lived on the top floor.

He sat down, looking up at the stars.

\- I’m setting you free, I’m setting the world free. - Dan mumbled, opening up the bottle of pills, downing them all at once.

And, to be honest, he’d thought that it would be much harder to drink them all at once. He instantly felt weaker, like something was draining him, but it was exhilarating, and he didn’t want his strength back anymore.

He then looked down at the blade lying beside his leg. He laughed, smiling at it.

He smiled for the first time in months, maybe more.

He picked it up, determinedly painfully, and slightly weakly because of the pills, slicing his arms open, then just sat there for a moment, watching the thick blood run out.

He started to feel happier with every droplet that came out.

When he got too dizzy to breathe properly, he slowly stood up, stepping closer to the edge.

\- I love you… - He choked out, feeling his throat squeeze shut.

He was falling into the stars, falling into the night, falling away.

Nothing hurt anymore.

The stars were taking care of him.

He smiled, closing his eyes.

Vanishing.

Sometimes, humans have to fall so that the angels don’t.

**Author's Note:**

> Please never feel like you have to die to escape your life. Come talk to me on tumblr (@wordsablaze) if you want, but please hang on, the world has a lot of happiness to give you! xx
> 
> You can get a fic for yourself by helping out my friend (jencollins) with as little as a euro, let me know if you can help! 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Leave a kudos or comment?


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